I JUST HATE THIS FEELING.... the feeling that you can't focus on what your doing.. confusion drowns you.. you can't take him out of your mind.. it freakingly makeing me weak!!!! 

i am so much afraid to fall.. so afraid that i can't even try to let him know i like him too.. this fear is killing me.. i'm afraid that if i'll fall for him, he'll not reciprocate the feeling. though he's telling me that he is sincere and that he is serious.. i don't have the assurance yet.. what assurance? i don't know.. i had concealed myself from cupid for a long time.. now, he's here.. trying to win me.. but then.. i'm still afraid.. so afraid...

wow.. can you see the date i last posted my entry.. it was last year pa.. ahahaha..

a lot had happened.. a lot had changed.. some are good.. some are bad.. but one thing's inevitable about this change.. it brought new things in me.. had taught me a lot.. i don't know if someone would read this.. hayy.. everything had changed.. i miss some part of my past.. but i had no regrets.. coz my present is simply the best!

   yesterday was my 18th bday... it is my 18th bday! pero i hadn't had any celebration because it was also my sisters wedding... i felt sad. i felt that they had ignored me.. but they knew how i felt. they knew that there's resentment buried in my heart. why? it is my 18th birthday and yet they're all busy with the wedding. it will be ok if it was just an ordinary birthday.. it isn't... it's my 18th birthday. one of the most special part of every girl's life... i was filled and drowned by animosity that morning... suddenly msgs poured in in my fone. i had recieved lots of greetings, yes i was indeed happy. but i still feel sad and lonely. i was eating breakfast, then my father suddenly told me... "Jeck, happy 18th birthday"... i pretend to ignore it... then suddenly, tears were starting to flow... i rushed into the comfort room.. there i wept... then i rushed quickly into my room. i pretend that i was asleep. my brother had called and said "bkit ka nandyan sa room mo, lumabas ka kaya?... ung cake mo mamaya na".. at least he remembered. when i was in room, i just vent my feelings through writing in my diary... all my emotions was there.. tears fell. hayyy, if you could only see how dramatic i was... hehehe... pero noone can ever blame me.. i guess it was natural. i had tried to be as positive as i can be. ibut i feared i cant tolerate the resentment i am feeling... i can't suppress the sadness i have... i tried... but i can't..

   it all changed when i started to stop crying, and i prayed. i realized that it was also ate's most special moment in her life. it was her wedding.. they had explained why it was like that... i felt calmer... then i just have to laugh at it na lang.. it was my day... i should face it.... i should be happy... that's what i have done... thanks to my ever-loving friends.... they were there, cheering me up..... thank you.

   the wedding was in BARASOIN malolos bulacan. the mass started late. i was the maid of honor. i always kept on telling my friends since last week that in my birthday

 i am wearing a gown not as a debutant but as a maid of honor. hehehe... and iam. i am walking in the isle at my birthday... celebrating it with the LORD and my family... i might not have any extravagant celebration... but everyone had greeted me. but ofcourse, the center of attention would be that of ate's wedding... but i had accepted it. when we were in CLUB ROYALE (before the reception) i blew my candle. hehe. atleast i have my cake... they didn't forget it after all... hayyyyy... it was not as what i wanted it to be... but for sure it was special.. a different way in celebrating my birthday....

   i have the time to vent my thoughts now. School works are over, konti na lang... pero as of the moment i'm resting from school's tedious assignments, researches, exams, hayyy... name it!!! But i am happy now... that's for several reasons... i fhad failed to write  entries for almost months... hehehe....

   i had found new friends this semester, and now that it's about to end... my heart wearies... sadden... . next semester i can't be with them, i plan to enroll in the "A" section.. they didn't want to... why? they said it would bring pressure to them... guess they were right. but as for me? i wanted to challenge myself.. although i know it would be hard.. i just have to. now that everybody's expecting too much! did i ever mentioned that my friends from last semester were not my clasmates now? yup... it was sad at first, but eventually i learned to cope up with it... i am spending my vacant time with them, seat-in ako with their class.. i and their professors are even close! hehehe... every sem, new friends... and my circle of friends are widening... but they are not only of my age ha! one of the great person i ever met this sem was my prof in Rizal... hehehe... i don't know if he'll be reading this wah! hehehe... he is a good conversationalist! he has a good heart too!! he even had programs for the less fortunate children... and a knight trying to save his princess amidst the wrath of the typhoon milenyo!! hehehe.. he just told that story to me yeaterday... we're like "barkadas" lang... hope that i could chat with him even i'm not his student any more... he is the only professor i know that don't get mad at students. he's very kind... are these compliments too much?? hehehe.. pero everything that i had said is indeed true!!! God bless SIR!!!

   another cause of my happiness is in the family... uhmmm.. now i cant disclose evrything... it is a confidential family matter... everyone was surprised... it may cause deppression, but ofcourse everyone is happy to know that there is a blessing... i'm excited!!! in my next entries, i think i can tell it na!!!

   next week will be finals na! and so as my birthday... ehem...ok.... time to give it my last shot.. you know what, it is only now that i appreciate the pleasure of studying.. i don't know.. it's not a burden for me... i enjoyed it. i had learned a lot of things this semester. that i can account to my friends and professors.. i'm looking forward for more ennthusiasm next sem!

   it is also during this period that i am honing my skills... i have talents pala in drawing and writing.. i am a frustrated writer and artist ever since. i remembered a lot of my teachers when i was in highschool telling me to take up MASCOM rather than nursing.. hayyy... no regrets din naman... i can do things in which i am passionate now, while studying, isn't it?  

   the greatest compliment i had ever recieved this sem is this:

   "that is a memorable speech" - sir mercado

   taking it from a very good communicator and speaker, it is indeed of great pleasure to me to hear those words! we have are extemporaneous speech kasi, aun i did my best and it fruited. a lot had complimented me.. i'm happy that they had appreciated my speech. i am very happy!!!!

   i am discovering what i have best!! ever since i am praying to God that he may give me enough wisdom to disclose what i am capable of... and now,,,, slowly.... i am disclosing it... i am half way....!!!!!

   expect that i'll be writing entries more often now!! i enjoy writing kasi now.. i even have my diary with me... my anecdotes.... and so as quotations that strucks me the most...

   in everything that i am experiencing now, i am more than satisfied... very contented.. but ofcourse i am not stopping... there's a lot of motivation now...

   "the most formidable enemy lies within yourself"

   i am starting to defeat it!!! i am starting to unleash the optimistic side of me.!!!